F@&* Excellence
Black women have always been the standard. The center of and creators of all art forms have been Black women. I have grown up around Blackness; surrounded by and loved by Black women. I was never expected to be anything more than me. Black. Femme.
I never glanced at Black skin and thought of all the ways they must or have contributed to society or all the ways they’ve been harmed- I just saw skin. I saw people who looked like me, living, riding, smoking, breathing, laughing, cursing- existing.
Once I moved to Vermont, the sea of white and Patagonia, my outlook changed- all I wanted was Blackness. Not just Black but layered with excellence.
Every event I attended and every trip to the supermarket- my eyes were peeled. I’ve met a great deal of Black people in my 7 years here, but I’ve treated them the way white people have. I put them on a pedestal, prioritized them based on their contributions to OUR society and how far their voices carried. My own actions were anti- Black.
I found myself to be mediocre at best- not being excellent on any medium and craving the artistry of my skinfolk. I spent much of 2020 thinking about how I could embody the excellence of my Black peers, both in Vermont and nationally. I went headfirst into success stories, triumphs, LLC Twitter even got me a few times and after looking inward for months I had to stop. It wasn’t just about profiting from any talent or gift it was worse.
I was fetishizing Black people (especially women) and reached a limit. I internalized the “tragedy to triumph” click bait and measured my failures and successes against people I didn’t know and as a result; I’m no longer subscribing to Black excellence.
In reality, we can just exist. I can just exist. The idea of me being more than the person I am is peak white supremacy. Fuck working twice as hard. Fuck hustle culture. I’m going to celebrate and value my fluidity to exist as a queer Black woman who has no “purpose” other than loving herself and the people that love her.
Catch me in these streets living, riding, smoking, breathing, laughing, cursing- existing.
#blackexistence #blackmediocrity
